


Pathetic Phallusy

by gingerbreadlatte



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Insecure Stiles, M/M, Misunderstandings, Stiles has a pathetic phallus, no really, virgin!stiles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:30:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4233951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerbreadlatte/pseuds/gingerbreadlatte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Stiles?”<br/>“Yeah?”<br/>“Why does your dick have a candy cane pattern with silver snowflakes on it?”<br/>“Oh that’s just what it looks like when I’m turned on. Don’t worry.” Derek just stared at him in shock.<br/>“I think that just raises more questions than it answers, Stiles.”</p>
<p>or</p>
<p>You've all heard of pathetic fallacy. Well this story is about pathetic phallusy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pathetic Phallusy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thearrowsoflegolas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thearrowsoflegolas/gifts).



Stiles and Derek had been dating for a grand total of six months now and they were finally going to do the do. You know, the sex thing. Stiles was finally going to lose that pesky virginity to his Greek God of a boyfriend. It was finally happening. Ok, Stiles would never admit it to anyone but he was terrified; he’d never seen another dick before. What if Derek’s dick didn’t react in the same way as Stiles’? Oh no! What if he couldn't even get it up? He’d be humiliated. He knew he was nowhere near as hot as Derek and it was only a matter of time before Derek realised it and left him, but still, he’d hoped he’d at least make it past the sex stage before this happened.  
A knock at his door startled him out of his thoughts and the panic that had rapidly been rising up within him quickly subsided as he went to answer it, knowing exactly who was standing on the other side of the door. The sexiest man he had ever known was stood there wearing a faded leather jacket and dark jeans which Stiles knew for a fact hugged his ass perfectly. This wasn’t unusual for Derek. What was strange, however, was the bouquet of roses clenched in his right hand. Stiles was speechless.  
“Hi. I..er..I got you roses. I wasn’t really sure what to do because, you know, we’ve never done this before and I know Scott got Kira a necklace but I didn’t think you’d really want one so yeah. Here” Derek thrust the flowers in Stiles face while Stiles just stood there opening and closing his mouth like a fish.  
“I don’t think you’ve ever said so many words in one go before”  
“Sorry, I’m just a bit nervous I guess” an adorable flush rose up Derek’s neck and his ears turned pink. His green eyes flickered up hesitantly to meet Stiles’.  
“Oh thank God. Me too. Come in.” Stiles ushered Derek into the living room and stood there awkwardly, “So uh how do you want to do this?”  
“Maybe we could start with some music and kissing. I made a playlist, just in case.”  
Stiles just nodded in agreement so Derek went over to the stereo and plugged his iPod in before going to sit on the sofa and gesturing for Stiles to join him. “If either of us gets uncomfortable, Stiles, we can stop straight away. We don’t need to do this. I won’t think any less of you. I’ll love you no matter what”.  
Stiles perked up at this, “You love me?”  
“Of course” and with that, Derek gently cupped his jaw and dragged him in for a soft, tender kiss, eyes fluttering closed before his lips even met Stiles’. Stiles moaned and dragged him in closer, falling into a lying position and pulling Derek down on top of him. He licked Derek’s lips, begging entrance, and thrust his tongue inside desperately as soon as they parted. The kiss grew filthy and hot quickly. Derek ground his hips down, eliciting a needy groan from his lover.  
“Oh God, Derek. Please, more!”, Stiles begged and thrust his hips erratically, desperately seeking friction. Derek dragged his lips down his throat, pausing to bite gently at the skin. HIs stubble scraped against his skin, causing it to go red from the beard burn.  
He pulled away and pulled his black Henley off over his head before removing Stiles’ shirt too. He stared in awe at the torso in front of him, running his hands everywhere, admiring every inch of skin on display.  
“Fuck. You’re so fucking beautiful.”  
He pinched and nipped at Stiles’ nipples, teasing them, before leaning down to take the left into his mouth to lick and suck at it until it was stiff and puffy. He did the same to the right and by the time he was finished, Stiles was a writhing, moaning mess below him. Derek smirked and pressed open mouthed kisses across his stomach until he reached the top of Stiles’ jeans.  
He raised his eyebrow questioningly. “Oh my God! Just do it already!”, and with that made quick work of getting Stiles completely naked. His eyes travelled down Stiles body, revelling at the sight until he reached his dick. “Stiles?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Why does your dick have a candy cane pattern with silver snowflakes on it?”  
“Oh that’s just what it looks like when I’m turned on. Don’t worry.” Derek just stared at him in shock.  
“I think that just raises more questions than it answers, Stiles.”  
“What do you mean? Does yours do something different? I didn’t realise that different people’s moods were displayed in different ways.”  
“Sorry, what?”  
“Well what does you dick look like when it’s turned on?”  
Derek just stared at him in shock.  
“Oh come on, Derek. Tell you what, why don’t you just show me? Don’t tell me it’s worse than a candy cane pattern with silver snowflakes! Wait! Is it pink with love hearts? Oh please tell me it’s pink with love hearts! Or does it look like a Twizzler? Oh my God then I could be like a really creepy porn star and say stuff like “Oh that looks so delicious” or “You’re making my mouth water with want” or “I just want to lick it until it’s-“”  
“Stiles! Does your dick, does it er, does it change colour when your mood changes?”  
“Well yeah,” Stiles replied, as if Derek were a complete idiot, ”It’s called pathetic phallusy dude. It’s weird though. Pathetic phallusy. Like, why ‘pathetic’? I would have you know that my penis is most definitely not pathetic, thank you very much! Anyway, that’s why my dick’s green with yellow splodges on it right now. I’m a little confused.”  
“You’re confused?! Stiles, I’m staring at a dick which is slowly turning pink with care bears on it.”  
“Well I’m sorry that my dick’s care bears offend you but I can’t control what I look like when I’m embarrassed! You’re making this a way bigger deal than it has to be, than it should be! Seriously, you’re acting like everyone else doesn’t have a dick which shows your emotions”, Stiles snapped.  
“That might have something to do with the fact that they don’t”, Derek retorted.  
“They don’t what?”  
“Have dicks which show their emotions”  
“Don’t be ridiculous, Derek, of course they do. Everyone does. That’s how you tell if you’re meant to be with the person you’re with. Because your dick shows you.”  
“Stiles, I promise you they don’t. Dicks do not display people’s emotions like yours. They get hard when they’re aroused but that’s it. I’ll show you. Look” Derek pulled down his jeans and showed Stiles his plain, tanned dick for a moment before pulling them back up again and buttoning them securely in place.  
Stiles’ mind was a whirlwind of emotions right now. The fact that Derek was going commando wasn’t even a thing which factored within his thought process. His dick was going crazy. He felt humiliated, how could he not know this? Was he a freak? Of course he was. His worst fears were finally becoming a reality. Why else did it currently look like his dick was made up of smarties right now? How could he honestly think that anything like this could be remotely normal?  
Before Derek could say anything else, he ran out of the room and locked himself in his room and then found his comfiest pair of sweatpants and shoved them on, sighing in relief when his manhood was finally out of sight. He could hear Derek gently knocking on the door.  
“Go away! I can’t look at you right now!”  
“Stiles, please. I didn’t mean to react like that. I was just caught off guard. Please, your dick’s wonderful. I really don’t mind. It’s ok that it shows your emotions. It’s not the end of the world.”  
“Yeah right.”, Stiles scoffed, “Don’t worry. It’s ok. You can leave your freak of a boyfriend. I won’t blame you.”  
“Stiles, please! I don’t want to leave you. Just open the door.”  
“What is it, Derek? Do you really want to get laid that badly? Well I’m sorry, but I don’t have to look at my dick to be able to tell you that I’m not in the mood for sex tonight. Not with you. Not with anybody. I probably won’t be able to even entertain the idea ever again.”  
“Stiles, come on, I was just surprised. I don’t care what colour your dick is. I don’t have a problem with the fact that it’s sometimes covered in care bears. Although I think that means that when we eventually have children, we won’t be able to watch the care bears with them. I mean, I’m probably going to get hard every time I see a care bear now so I- ”  
Stiles wrenched the door open. “You want us to have children together?”  
“Er yeah. I mean, I know we haven’t really talked about the future and I know we’re both still so young but you’re really special to me and I think you’re incredible and whenever I picture my future, I see you in it. I see you and our family. I can’t imagine having a family with anyone but you, Stiles. I think you’re it for me. You’ve ruined me for everyone else. I can’t believe I’m going to get hard every time I see a fucking care bear! A care bear. And don’t even get me started on the smarties. And just imagining you eating them, too. I still want to be with you, Stiles, even if your dick will certainly take up way more conversations than I could ever have expected it to.I don’t care that it isn’t normal because it’s yours Stiles. And that’s all that matters to me.”  
“…really?”  
“Really.”  
“I think that’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me. And it was about my dick. I need a moment to take this in.”  
Derek smirked slightly and started backing Stiles towards the bed.  
“I still can’t have sex with you tonight, Derek. I’m sorry but I’m not ready for it yet. Not after this revelation. If you want to go, you can. I’ll understand”  
“I’m not leaving you like this, Stiles. You’ll only jump to conclusions and overthink things to a ridiculous level of paranoid. How about a cuddle session? With a touch of bonus kissing, perhaps?”  
Stiles looked up at him in wonder. “Fuck, Derek.”  
“That’s fine by me but not tonight, yeah?”  
“Derek! How could you? You know I’m the one who always makes the bad puns and sex jokes in this relationship? If I haven’t got this, what have I got left to contribute?!”  
“A colour changing dick.” Derek deadpanned.  
“Oh God”  
“No, it’s Derek. We’ve been through this before. I’m Derek you’re St-“  
Stiles cut him off with a firm press of the lips and pulled Derek down onto the bed with him. Their arms pulled one another close and Stiles’ hands wandered down to Derek’s ass, where he cupped and squeezed the older man’s cheeks through the denim softly. The kissing didn’t develop into anything further, staying relatively innocent, eventually turning into soft and languid touches. Stiles pulled away slightly, “Derek?”  
“Yeah?”  
“We forgot to put the roses in water.”  
Derek chuckled softly, “Don’t worry. I’ll buy you a care bear teddy to replace them. It’s more personal that way. But I’ll have to make sure it matches the ones on your dick.”.  
Stiles elbowed him gently.  
“Actually, weren’t they all different colours?”  
“Uh yeah? You remember that?”  
“How could I forget? You had care bears on your dick!”  
“Shut up. What about it, though?”  
“Well I was just thinking that means there’s plenty of room for birthday and anniversary presents.”  
Stiles laughed softly before turning around, allowing Derek to spoon him from behind and rest his chin over his shoulder. They lay there in contented silence, eventually falling asleep in one other’s arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Just to let you know, this is my first fic so any constructive feedback would be really appreciated! Thanks :)  
> Also thanks to thearrowsoflegolas for convincing me to write this. If there are any mistakes, please let me know.


End file.
